The talk before college

If something happens to your child, it is never their fault. Teaching them to protect themselves is never a way of saying otherwise.

Your young adult is about to make a lot of their own choices, and you won't be there for most of them. That's how it should be. This talk isn't a list of rules. It's one honest conversation between two adults, so they leave with a plan and know they can always call home.

Why the first weeks of college matter

Researchers call the first six weeks of first year a vulnerable time for heavy drinking and the harm that can come with it. Students arrive with big expectations, and the social pressure at the start of the year is strong [1, 4]. The consequences of college drinking include injuries, violence and sexual assault [1].

College also brings less oversight from parents, more alcohol and more exposure to peer attitudes about sex, all at once [2]. Women aged 18 to 24 have the highest rate of sexual violence of any age group of women [2]. The person who causes harm is always the one responsible. This talk is about preparing your young adult for that setting, not about handing them the blame.

Your words still count. Research shows that students who choose not to drink often do so because their parents talked with them about alcohol and its risks [1, 4].

How to start the conversation

Pick a calm moment before move-in. A drive or a meal works better than the night before they leave.
Talk to them as an adult. Ask what they expect and what they've already thought about. Listen more than you talk.
Cover the real risks without a lecture. NIAAA suggests talking about the dangers of heavy and underage drinking, including possible legal and school penalties, alcohol overdose, injuries, violence, unsafe sex and falling behind in classes [4].
Make sure they know the signs of alcohol overdose and how to help someone [4]. Look up the college's alcohol and emergency policies together [4].
Promise to stay in touch and mean it. Check in now and then, and remind them they can tell you about their days and ask for help [4].

You might say: "I'm not trying to run your life. I just want you to have a plan, and to know I'm in your corner."

Questions to talk through together

"How will you and your friends get home from a party?" A good answer names a plan made before going out: who you arrive with, who you leave with, and how you'll get back.
"What would you do if a friend was too drunk to look after themselves?" A good answer means staying with them and getting help. Go over the overdose signs together so they know when it's an emergency [4].
"How do you know someone wants to hook up with you?" This is the "check yourself" question, and it applies to everyone. The University of Kansas, for example, expects consent to be clear, spoken, ongoing, given by both people, enthusiastic, and free of fear or incapacitation [5]. Under the CDC's definition, sexual violence includes sex with someone who is unable to consent or refuse [2]. You might say: "If you're not sure they want to, or they're too drunk to tell you, the answer is no. Stop and check for a clear yes." It can help to point out that they already ask permission in everyday life [5].
"What would you do if you saw someone being pushed toward something they didn't want?" Drinking makes people slower to notice danger and less likely to step in [2]. Trained students do step in more often [2]. Good options include saying something directly, creating a distraction, getting help from a friend, an RA or campus police, and checking on the person afterward [5].
"What would make you call me?" Agree on how they can reach you for help with no explanation needed. Settle it now. Below is one way to do it.

Keep an open line home

Families of younger teens often agree on a code word that means "come get me, no questions." The idea works for adults too. Plan it together and write it down. When the call comes, help right away. The plan is there for safety, not to judge them. If you overreact, they may not call next time [3]. Once they're safe, you can talk about what to do differently [3].

You might say: "Call me any time, day or night. I'll help first. No lecture."

If your young adult tells you something

If they tell you something happened to them, start by believing them. The University of Kansas suggests lines like "I believe you," "It wasn't your fault," "How can I help?" and "Thank you for trusting me with this" [5]. Don't ask what they were drinking or wearing. Let them choose the next steps, and help them find support on campus and beyond.

Where to get help

RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673), or text HOPE to 64673, 24/7
loveisrespect (dating abuse, for young people; also helps parents): 866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, 24/7
In an emergency, call 911
Need help now

Guides your young adult can read on their own: The first six weeks, When you were 20, your brain was different, and The 5 Ds on the subway, the street, at the bar.