The uh-oh feeling

From six to nine, children spend more time at school, friends' houses and practice without you beside them. This lesson teaches them to trust the "uh-oh" feeling and to judge people by what they ask, not by whether they know them. Keeping children safe is the adults' job [5]. These skills back up your care; they don't replace it.

Start the talk

Say it in your own words. These are the ideas to get across, not a script to read.

• Listen to the uh-oh feeling. If someone makes your child uncomfortable, or something just feels wrong, they should walk away right away, even if they can't explain why [1]. You might say: "If your tummy feels funny or a little voice says 'uh-oh,' you don't need a reason. Just leave and come find me."
• Watch what people do, not who they are. You can't tell whether someone is safe by how they look [1, 2], and most people who harm children are people the child or family already knows [2, 4, 5]. So the rule is about what someone asks: to keep a secret, to go somewhere with them, or anything that feels uncomfortable [2]. You might say: "Even if you know them, if anyone asks you to keep a secret from me or go somewhere with them, come tell me."
• Four rules to remember. NCMEC's KidSmartz program teaches Check First, Take a Friend, Tell People No, and Tell a Trusted Adult [2]. Check First means getting your permission before going anywhere with anyone; Take a Friend means staying with a group [2]. Tell People No includes grown-ups: children may refuse touch, even from adults [4], and can step away, yell "No!" and leave [1]. You might say: "Before you go anywhere with anyone, even someone we know, check with me first. And you're allowed to say no to a grown-up."
• No secrets about bodies. Surprises, like a birthday present, are fine to keep [4]. But nobody should touch your child's private parts, ask your child to touch theirs, or take pictures of their private parts, and those things are never to be kept secret [3]. The rule covers everyone, including relatives, teachers and coaches [3]. You might say: "Surprises are fun because everyone finds out soon. A secret about bodies is never OK, and you'll never be in trouble for telling me."

Ask "what would you do?"

Let them answer first. There's no wrong answer, only a chance to talk it through.

1. At the park, a grown-up you don't know says their puppy ran away and asks you to help look for it behind the bathrooms. What would you do? What to listen for: "I'd say no and come find you." Grown-ups who need help should ask other grown-ups, not children [2]. If your child would go, praise the kind instinct, then practice a firm "I can't help you" and walking away [1, 2].
2. You're at a friend's house. Their older cousin says, "Let's play a game, but don't tell your mom. It's our secret." What would you do? What to listen for: that a secret from you is an uh-oh, and it's fine to leave and tell you [2, 3]. Give your child an exit line, such as needing the bathroom, and a family code word for "come get me" [3].
3. After soccer practice your grown-up is late. A parent from the team says, "Your mom asked me to drive you home. Hop in." What would you do? What to listen for: Check First. Children shouldn't go anywhere with anyone, even someone who says a parent sent them, without permission from the adult in charge [2]. Practice "I have to check with my mom first" and walking back to the coach. Tell coaches and the school who may pick your child up [2].

Try it together

Role-play it. The more children practice, the better prepared they are [2]. You play someone who asks your child to come see a kitten, take some candy or keep a secret from you. Keep it light. Your child practices checking first, saying no in a firm voice, walking to "home base" (the couch works) and telling you. Then swap roles. Finish by choosing a family code word together [3] and naming three or four grown-ups your child could tell if you weren't around [4].

If your child tells you something

How you react matters. Your calm helps your child feel safe, and children whose parents support them heal more quickly [9]. These steps come from guidance on abuse.

Children rarely tell everything at once. Very young children often let something slip by accident, because they don't have the words for it [9]. Many children share a little at a time [8, 9]. Teenagers are more likely to tell a friend first [9].

Do:

• Stay calm. A child may think your shock or anger is aimed at them, and stop talking [8, 9].
• Listen. Let them tell it in their own words, without interrupting or filling in gaps [8].
• Believe them. False reports are rare [6, 7].
• Thank them, and tell them they did the right thing by telling you [6, 7, 8].
• Tell them it is not their fault [7, 8, 9].
• Keep them away from the person. Make a plan with other adults so there is no unsupervised contact [7, 9].
• Get help. Report to child protective services, and find medical care and a counselor who works with children [8, 9]. Reporting rules vary by state [6].
• Get support for yourself from another adult [7, 9].

Don't:

• Press for details or ask leading questions. Keep any questions calm and open [7, 8].
• Promise to keep it secret. Promise to do everything you can to keep them safe instead [9].
• Threaten the person or show your anger in front of your child [7].

If your child later takes it back, it doesn't mean they made it up. This is common [7, 9].

If your child is in danger, call 911 [8, 9].

For advice:

• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: (800) 422-4453, or text GO to 800.422.4453. It's a counseling line, not a reporting line, and it can help you find your state's reporting number [10].
• Stop It Now helpline: 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368), weekdays, mostly 12–6 pm Eastern (hours vary; see their site), for anyone worried about a child [11].
• Need help now