Is this love or control?

If something happened to you, it was not your fault. Learning to protect yourself is never a way of saying otherwise.

When you really like someone, it can be hard to tell caring from controlling. Jealousy can look like love, and constant texts can feel like attention. This guide helps you spot the difference, including the warning signs that show up on your phone.

What to know about healthy and abusive relationships

The American Academy of Pediatrics says a healthy relationship has six things [3]:

Respect: you value each other and accept each other's boundaries.
Communication and compromise: you both talk, you both listen, and you work through disagreements.
Honesty and trust: you can share things without worrying they'll be used against you.
Equality: neither of you has more power.
Individuality: you each keep your own friends and interests.
Safety: as the AAP puts it, "Feeling fear in a relationship is never OK."

Dating abuse is a pattern of behavior one partner uses to intimidate, manipulate or control the other [2]. The CDC says it can happen in person, online or through technology. It can be physical, sexual, emotional or stalking [1]. Sharing someone's intimate images without their permission is a form of sexual violence [1].

It isn't rare. In a 2021 CDC survey of high school students who dated in the past year, about 1 in 12 had experienced physical dating violence and about 1 in 10 had experienced sexual dating violence in that year [1]. Dating violence is linked to depression and anxiety. It can also raise the risk of abuse in later relationships [1].

Warning signs in person

They put you down a lot, especially in front of other people [2].
They try to cut you off from friends or family [2].
They're extremely jealous or insecure [2, 3].
They have explosive outbursts, a bad temper or big mood swings [2].
They're possessive, or try to control things like what you wear [2, 3].
They blame you for everything that goes wrong [3].
They try to change who you are, or the relationship feels smothering [3].
They deny saying things they said, or brush off how you feel [4].
They pressure or force you into sex [2].
They threaten you, break things during fights, or hurt you physically in any way [2, 3].

Warning signs on your phone

They look through your phone, texts, photos or accounts without permission [2, 3, 4].
They tell you who you can follow or friend online [4].
They use social media to track where you go and what you do [4].
They take your passwords or pressure you to share them [4].
They text constantly, or make you feel you can't put your phone down [4].
They pressure you for nudes or sexts, or send you ones you didn't want [4].
They use tracking apps, GPS or spyware to watch you [4].
They share your private messages or moments without your OK [3].

What you can do

Compare your relationship with the healthy list above. Keep your own friends and activities [3].
You have a right to privacy and to set boundaries, including on your phone [4].
Put your safety first [2]. People who abuse usually don't change their behavior [2].
Talk with a trusted adult who cares about you [3].
Reach out to loveisrespect by call, text or online chat [2].
If you think someone is checking your phone or computer, clear your browser history after looking for help [2].

If it's already happening

If you're being hurt, controlled or pressured, it is never your fault [4]. The person doing it is responsible, not you. That's still true if you shared a password, sent a photo or stayed longer than you wanted to.

If you're in danger right now, call 911 [2].
Tell someone you trust. You don't need to have it all figured out first.
If something sexual happened that you didn't agree to, RAINN can help you sort out next steps (number below).

Where to get help

In an emergency: call 911.
loveisrespect: 866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522.
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673), or text HOPE to 64673, 24/7.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, 24/7.
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741, 24/7.
For more options, see Need help now.