My body belongs to me

This lesson gives your child plain words for their body and a simple rule: there are no secrets about bodies. You can start as soon as your child is talking, and the best moments are ordinary ones like bath time, getting dressed or a visit to the doctor [3, 5]. Teaching these words helps, but keeping children safe is the job of the adults around them, not your child's [3].

Start the talk

Say it in your own words. These are the ideas to get across, not a script to read.

• Every body part has a real name. Use the correct words, like penis and vulva, the same calm way you'd say elbow. Pet names can make these parts seem bad or secret, and real words help a child say clearly what happened if something ever goes wrong [2, 4, 5]. You might say: "This is your knee, and this is your vulva. Those are their real names."
• Private parts are private. Private parts are the parts your underwear covers. Other people see them only in a few cases, such as a parent helping in the bath or a doctor checking you're healthy while a parent is there [1, 2]. No one should touch your child's private parts, and no one should ask your child to touch theirs [2]. You might say: "Your private parts are just for you. If someone wants to touch them or see them, come and tell me."
• Your body belongs to you. Your child can say no to a hug or a kiss, even from a grown-up they love. Don't force or guilt them into hugs [1, 5]. You might say: "You're the boss of your body. You can say no to a hug."
• Surprises are fine. Secrets about bodies are not. A surprise like a birthday present is fine because everyone finds out soon. Secrets about bodies or touching are never OK, even with people your child knows or another child [1, 2]. Your child will never be in trouble for telling [2]. You might say: "A surprise is fun because we all find out soon. If anyone says to keep a secret about bodies, tell me. You won't be in trouble."
• You have lots of grown-ups who can help. Children don't always tell a parent first, so it helps to name several trusted adults [1]. You might say: "If I'm not there, who else could you tell?"

Ask "what would you do?"

Let them answer first. There's no wrong answer, only a chance to talk it through.

1. Auntie comes to visit and asks for a big hug, but you don't feel like hugging today. What could you do? What to listen for: That they can say no, or offer a high five or a wave instead. If they think they have to hug, tell them they get to choose. Then back their choice in front of your relative [4, 5].
2. Grandpa says, "We're making a birthday card for Mommy. Shh, it's a surprise!" Is that OK to keep quiet about? What to listen for: Yes, because Mommy will find out on her birthday. If they're unsure, explain that a surprise ends and everyone gets to know [1].
3. At a playdate, a friend says, "Let's look at each other's private parts. Don't tell anyone." What would you do? What to listen for: That they'd say no and tell you. Stay calm and don't make this sound scary. At this age, curiosity about bodies is normal, so the message is simply that private parts stay private and body secrets get told [2, 5]. Remind them they won't be in trouble [2].

Try it together

Make a "my grown-ups" list. Sit down with your child and name three or four trusted grown-ups, for example a parent, a grandparent, a preschool teacher or a neighbor you know well [1]. Draw each one or stick on a photo, and put the list where your child can see it. Every now and then, ask: "Who could you tell if something worried you?" Keep using real body-part names in bath time and doctor visits so the words stay ordinary [2, 3].

If your child tells you something

How you react matters. Your calm helps your child feel safe, and children whose parents support them heal more quickly [9]. These steps come from guidance on abuse.

Children rarely tell everything at once. Very young children often let something slip by accident, because they don't have the words for it [9]. Many children share a little at a time [8, 9]. Teenagers are more likely to tell a friend first [9].

Do:

• Stay calm. A child may think your shock or anger is aimed at them, and stop talking [8, 9].
• Listen. Let them tell it in their own words, without interrupting or filling in gaps [8].
• Believe them. False reports are rare [6, 7].
• Thank them, and tell them they did the right thing by telling you [6, 7, 8].
• Tell them it is not their fault [7, 8, 9].
• Keep them away from the person. Make a plan with other adults so there is no unsupervised contact [7, 9].
• Get help. Report to child protective services, and find medical care and a counselor who works with children [8, 9]. Reporting rules vary by state [6].
• Get support for yourself from another adult [7, 9].

Don't:

• Press for details or ask leading questions. Keep any questions calm and open [7, 8].
• Promise to keep it secret. Promise to do everything you can to keep them safe instead [9].
• Threaten the person or show your anger in front of your child [7].

If your child later takes it back, it doesn't mean they made it up. This is common [7, 9].

If your child is in danger, call 911 [8, 9].

For advice:

• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: (800) 422-4453, or text GO to 800.422.4453. It's a counseling line, not a reporting line, and it can help you find your state's reporting number [10].
• Stop It Now helpline: 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368), weekdays, mostly 12–6 pm Eastern (hours vary; see their site), for anyone worried about a child [11].
• Need help now