When an online friend wants a secret

Between 10 and 13, a lot of friendship moves onto phones, games and group chats. This lesson helps your child notice when someone online pushes for secrecy or photos. It also makes sure they know that it is never their fault and they won't be in trouble for telling you. Keeping children safe is an adult responsibility [3]. This talk is about making sure your child knows they can always come to you. You can read the "what would you do?" part side by side with your child if that feels natural.

Start the talk

Say it in your own words. These are the ideas to get across, not a script to read.

• Judge people by what they ask you to do. People who target children online may pose as someone their own age. They often start with compliments, lots of attention, or gifts like gift cards and in-game credits [2]. An adult who wants to be a child's "special" friend, gives gifts for no clear reason and encourages secrets is a warning sign [4]. You might say: "If someone online is suddenly really nice, sends you stuff, and then wants it kept just between you two, that's the part to notice."
• Switching apps and asking for photos are red flags. Offenders often learn about a child on social media, then ask to move to another app with private messaging [1]. Some ask for nude photos very soon after they first follow or friend a child [7]. You might say: "If someone you met in a game wants to switch to a different app, or asks for a picture you wouldn't show me, that's your cue to stop and come find me."
• Safe adults and real friends don't ask you to keep secrets or ignore your boundaries [2]. You might say: "If anyone you met online asks you to keep something from me, that's exactly what I want to hear about."
• If someone threatens to share a picture, it's not your fault, and you won't be in trouble. Sextortion is a crime, and the person making threats is to blame [1, 7]. Paying or going along with it rarely stops it [7]. Block the account and report it, but don't delete messages or the profile. Don't forward any images [2, 7]. Even if a child has already shared something, it's not too late to tell an adult and get help [2]. You might say: "Even if you sent something you wish you hadn't, come straight to me. You won't be in trouble. We'll handle it together."
• There is real help. Take It Down is a free tool that helps remove unwanted nude or sexual images from the internet [3]. You can report to NCMEC's CyberTipline at CyberTipline.org or 1-800-THE-LOST [1]. You might say: "There are people whose whole job is helping kids get pictures taken down. You'd never have to do that alone."

Ask "what would you do?"

Let them answer first. There's no wrong answer, only a chance to talk it through.

1. Someone you play a game with has been friendly for weeks. They send you a skin and say, "Let's talk on another app, it's more private." What to listen for: Does your child notice the pattern of gifts followed by a request to move apps? If they say "but he's really nice," gently explain that being nice isn't the test. What someone asks you to do is the test [1, 2].
2. Someone online says you seem mature for your age and asks for a photo "just for me." What to listen for: Saying no, stopping the chat and telling you. If your child admits they'd feel flattered, that's an honest answer. Say that flattery is exactly how these requests start, and that pressure is never OK [1, 2].
3. A friend tells you someone is threatening to post a photo of them unless they send money. What to listen for: Telling a trusted adult right away, not paying, keeping the messages and not forwarding anything [2, 7]. Make sure your child knows it isn't their friend's fault, and that this is not something kids should handle on their own [1].

Try it together

Make a short family plan together. First, name at least two trusted adults your child could go to [2]. Next, agree that your child can always reach you, and that you'll come get them with no questions asked if they feel worried or unsafe [5]. Then open the apps and games they use and find the block and report buttons together [1, 6]. Practice a couple of firm ways to say no [5]. Finally, save Take It Down and CyberTipline.org somewhere easy to find, and plan a regular, relaxed check-in about who they talk to online [1].

If your child tells you something

How you react matters. Your calm helps your child feel safe, and children whose parents support them heal more quickly [11]. These steps come from guidance on abuse.

Children rarely tell everything at once. Very young children often let something slip by accident, because they don't have the words for it [11]. Many children share a little at a time [10, 11]. Teenagers are more likely to tell a friend first [11].

Do:

• Stay calm. A child may think your shock or anger is aimed at them, and stop talking [10, 11].
• Listen. Let them tell it in their own words, without interrupting or filling in gaps [10].
• Believe them. False reports are rare [8, 9].
• Thank them, and tell them they did the right thing by telling you [8, 9, 10].
• Tell them it is not their fault [9, 10, 11].
• Keep them away from the person. Make a plan with other adults so there is no unsupervised contact [9, 11].
• Get help. Report to child protective services, and find medical care and a counselor who works with children [10, 11]. Reporting rules vary by state [8].
• Get support for yourself from another adult [9, 11].

Don't:

• Press for details or ask leading questions. Keep any questions calm and open [9, 10].
• Promise to keep it secret. Promise to do everything you can to keep them safe instead [11].
• Threaten the person or show your anger in front of your child [9].

If your child later takes it back, it doesn't mean they made it up. This is common [9, 11].

If your child is in danger, call 911 [10, 11].

For advice:

• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: (800) 422-4453, or text GO to 800.422.4453. It's a counseling line, not a reporting line, and it can help you find your state's reporting number [12].
• Stop It Now helpline: 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368), weekdays, mostly 12–6 pm Eastern (hours vary; see their site), for anyone worried about a child [13].
• Need help now