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Check yourself

How to make sure you never cause harm: consent, alcohol, pressure, and speaking up when a friend crosses a line.

For every age: lessons for parents on teaching children to respect other people's boundaries, and guides for teens and adults on consent, drinking, sharing images and peer pressure.

Situations this covers

The five key lessons

The core of Check yourself. They're taught at every age, in words that fit the age.

  1. 1Get a clear yes, every time.Consent is a yes given freely, each time. Silence or "not no" isn't consent.[1, 2]
  2. 2Someone too drunk to make clear decisions can't consent.If they can't make clear decisions, the answer is no. Being drunk yourself is never an excuse.[1, 3]
  3. 3A yes under pressure isn't a yes.Pushing, guilt-tripping or wearing someone down is coercion, not consent.[2, 4]
  4. 4The person starting things is responsible for checking.It's on you to make sure there's consent, and to stop if they go quiet, pull away or seem unsure.[1, 3]
  5. 5Decide your limits before you go out.Friends watching makes people, especially teens, take risks they wouldn't alone, and judgment is still developing through your twenties. Decide ahead of time, while you're thinking clearly.[5, 6]

From the stats

8.2%

of women have been raped when they were too drunk, high, drugged, or passed out to consent or stop it. That's about 10.5 million women.

CDC NISVS 2023/2024, completed alcohol or drug-facilitated rapeMore in Stats

Common misconceptions

People think“They didn't say no, so it's OK.”
ActuallySilence isn't consent. Look for a clear yes, and stop if they go quiet, turn away or stiffen.[1]
People think“We were both drunk, so no one's responsible.”
ActuallyYour own drinking is no excuse, and someone too drunk to make decisions can't consent.[1, 3]
People think“Forwarding a photo someone sent me isn't a big deal.”
ActuallyIt can do serious harm to the person in it. Child-safety organizations say never forward an intimate image; report it instead.[7, 8, 9]
People think“They seemed into it, even though they'd had a lot to drink.”
ActuallyIf you're asking yourself whether they're sober enough to say yes, stop, and have the conversation when they are. Someone who can't make decisions can't consent, so why end up in a gray area you don't need to?[1]
People think“If it's not illegal, it's fine.”
ActuallyThe law is the minimum. Asking, and waiting for a clear yes, means neither of you ends up with a night you wish had gone differently.[1]

Not sure what to call something that happened to you? You don't need a label to deserve support. Find support

Check yourself lessons by age

Every lesson and guide, by age

The other two paths

Not causing harm is one of three roles the site teaches. The other two cover protecting yourself and helping others.

Protect yourselfHow to recognize warning signs, act on them, and get out of situations that feel wrong.Step inWhat to do when you see something wrong happening, from a friend in trouble at a party to harassment on the street.

Sources

  1. Carnegie Mellon University, Consent and incapacitation
  2. American Academy of Pediatrics, Expect respect: healthy relationships
  3. Purdue University, Incapacitation and Consent FAQs
  4. loveisrespect, warning signs of abuse
  5. National Institute of Mental Health, The teen brain
  6. Chein et al., Peers increase adolescent risk taking by enhancing activity in the brain's reward circuitry (2011)
  7. NCMEC, Sextortion: what parents should know
  8. NCMEC, Back to school, back to safety
  9. National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, Sextortion

Summarized from public sources with the help of AI, reviewed by Stacy Willis.

Last updated [not yet reviewed]Reviewed by Stacy WillisSummarized from public sources with the help of AI, reviewed by Stacy Willis.How this site is made