Raising an upstander

Most teens will see something that feels wrong long before anyone teaches them what to do about it. This conversation gives your teen a few simple options and a chance to practice them. It also makes clear that you'll back them up when they step in.

Why this matters now

Harmful behavior covers a wide range. It includes things that aren't illegal, like sexist jokes, crude comments and catcalling, and they still hurt the person on the receiving end [1]. It happens at school, in public places and online [1]. An engaged bystander is someone who steps in before, during or after a situation like this [1].

Bystander programs have mostly been studied in high schools and colleges [2]. The evidence shows they can make young people more confident that they can help, and more likely to step in or speak up [2]. Some programs have also been linked to less sexual violence, but results vary from program to program, and not every program works equally well for every group [2]. The most dependable takeaway is this: practice makes young people more willing and more able to help.

Online, NCMEC encourages parents to talk with teens about being an upstander for their friends. That includes refusing to pass along sexual images of other people and reporting them instead [5].

How to start the conversation

• Practice at home. NSVRC suggests rehearsing with friends and family what you would say, and how you would say it, before you ever need to [1]. A car ride or a TV scene where someone crosses a line is an easy way in.
• Start with safety. The goal is to help someone without getting hurt yourself. Your teen should choose options that are unlikely to put anyone in danger [3]. Confronting someone directly isn't always safe or effective, and that's fine [1].
• Give them options, not one script. The "5 Ds" are a simple framework [3]:
  • Direct: speak up calmly, for example "That's not okay" or "Are you okay?" [3]
  • Distract: change the subject, start a game, or pretend to know the person and start a conversation with them [1, 3]
  • Delegate: get help from the person's friend, an adult, a coach or a bouncer [3]
  • Delay: check in afterward, for example "I saw what happened and it wasn't okay" [3]
  • Document: only if it's safe, and never share anything without the affected person's permission [3]. For teens, that means writing down what happened or screenshotting messages. They should never photograph, film, screenshot or save anything sexual, or anyone who's undressed, even as evidence [6]. Report it to the app, a trusted adult or NCMEC's CyberTipline instead.
• Remind them they don't have to act alone. Getting other people involved helps, and if it doesn't feel safe, calling the police is an option [1].

Questions to talk through together

You might ask your teen:

1. "At a party, a friend is very drunk and someone keeps steering them toward a bedroom. What could you do?" Good answers include distracting ("Hey, come help me find my phone"), finding the friend's other friends, or getting an adult [3]. Praise any answer that keeps everyone safe, including your teen.
2. "Someone in your group makes a joke about a girl who was assaulted. What could you say?" Short lines work: "That's not funny" or "Why would you say that?" [1] You can add that speaking up often encourages other people to speak up too [1].
3. "Someone shares a nude photo of a classmate in a group chat. What would you do?" A strong answer is: don't forward it, say it isn't okay, and report it [5].
4. "Someone is being picked on at school or online. What would help?" Tell someone, block the person doing it, and show support for the person who was hurt [4]. Being kind to them helps them feel less alone [4].
5. "What if you froze and did nothing?" Delay still counts. Checking in later is a real way to help [3].

When your teen gets help for someone, the AAP calls it "an act of courage, caring and safety," not tattling [4]. Tell them that, and say it again when they actually do it.

If your teen tells you something

They might tell you what they saw, or what happened to them. Listen first. Ask open questions like "Can you tell me more?" and "What was that like for you?" [4] If someone was harmed, the advice for supporting the target is to make clear it isn't their fault and they didn't do anything wrong [1]. If your teen didn't step in, don't scold them. Ask what would make it easier next time. If they did step in, tell them you noticed and you're proud of them.

Where to get help

• RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673), or text HOPE to 64673, 24/7
• loveisrespect (dating abuse, for young people; also helps parents): 866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, 24/7
• In an emergency, call 911
• Need help now
• Teen guide to share: The 5 Ds at a party