The 5 Ds at a party

Seeing something wrong at a party, at school or in a group chat can make you freeze. This guide covers five ways to step in, known as the 5 Ds. You don't have to confront anyone, your own safety comes first, and small actions count. The 5 Ds come from the nonprofit Right To Be (formerly Hollaback!). Starting in 2012, it worked with the bystander program Green Dot, which created the original 3 Ds (distract, delegate and direct), and later added delay and document [5].

What to know before you step in

• Your safety comes first. Only take action if it feels safe, and pick options that are unlikely to put you or anyone else in harm's way [1].
• You don't have to confront anyone. Facing the person causing harm isn't always safe or useful. There are lots of ways to help before, during or after something happens [3].
• Harm comes in many sizes. Sexist jokes, sexual comments and crude gestures may not be illegal, but they're still harmful to the person on the receiving end. They happen at school, in public and online [3].
• Small actions count. When one person speaks up, it tends to snowball: others feel able to respond too, and everyone sees the behavior won't be accepted [3]. Preventing violence is everyone's job, not just the job of the people it happens to [2, 3].
• What doesn't help: staying silent, assuming someone else has already stepped in, or making a situation more heated [1].

The 5 Ds, with examples

1. Distract. Interrupt without calling anything out. Ignore the person causing the problem and talk to the person being targeted about something totally unrelated [1]. You can change the subject, make a noise, accidentally spill a drink, move the group somewhere else or start a game [1]. You can also pretend you need help from someone involved, or act like you know the person being targeted [2, 3].

• At a party: "Hey, there you are. Can you come help me find my phone?"
• In a group chat: change the subject or post something unrelated so the thread moves on.

2. Delegate. Get someone else to help. That could be your friends, the friends of the person being targeted, or someone in charge, like a staff member or, if you don't feel safe, the police [1, 2, 3]. Be clear about what you're seeing and what you need them to do [1]. More people stepping in together sends a stronger message [3].

• At a party: find the person's friends and tell them what you saw.
• At school: tell a staff member exactly what happened and where.

3. Document. Write down what happened, or screenshot harmful messages [1]. Never photograph, film, screenshot or save anything sexual, or anyone who's undressed, even as evidence [4]. Report it instead. Then give what you have to the person who was harmed and ask what they want you to do with it. As the University of Rochester puts it: "Do not post it publicly or share it without their permission and consent" [1].

• In a group chat: screenshot harmful messages so the person has a record if they want one. Don't forward them around.

4. Delay. If you couldn't do anything in the moment, you can still help afterward. Check in, offer support and help them find resources [1]. Tell them it wasn't their fault and they didn't do anything wrong [3].

• The next day: "I saw what happened last night. Are you OK?"

5. Direct. Say something to the people involved. Ask the person being targeted if they're OK, or tell the person causing harm that it isn't OK [1, 2]. Stay calm, keep it short and don't get pulled into an argument [1]. Keep your focus on helping the person being targeted [1].

• At a party: "Are you good? Want to come outside with me?"
• In a group chat: "That's not funny. Can we not?"

Get ready ahead of time

Practice with friends what you'd say if you ever needed to step in. It also helps to think about how you'd want others to act if it were you [3].

Where to get help

• In an emergency, call 911.
• RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673), or text HOPE to 64673, 24/7.
• loveisrespect (dating abuse, for young people): 866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522.
• Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741, 24/7.
• See our Need help now page for more.