Tell a grown-up when someone's hurt

Around 3 to 5, children become much more aware of other people's feelings. Often they want to hug a friend who's hurt or "kiss it better" [4, 5]. This lesson gives that kindness a job: when someone is hurt, or about to be, go and get a grown-up. Your child's part is to tell. Sorting out what happens next is the adults' part.

Start the talk

Say it in your own words. These are the ideas to get across, not a script to read.

• If someone is hurt or about to get hurt, tell a grown-up. That's what grown-ups are there for [1]. You might say: "If someone gets hurt, or you think they're going to, come and tell me or your teacher. Right away."
• That's telling, not tattling. Telling is about keeping someone safe. Small things where nobody's hurt are things kids can try to work out themselves [1]. At this age, the difference may not make sense at first, so expect to explain it many times [1]. You might say: "If somebody could get hurt, tell me. If nobody's getting hurt, try 'It's my turn.'"
• You can tell for a friend, too. Children can tell a grown-up whether something is happening to them or to someone else [3]. You might say: "If you see your friend getting hurt, you can tell for them."
• Noticing is kind. Talk about feelings as they happen, and show your child how you care for people who are hurt or sad [2]. You might say: "Ava's crying. How do you think she feels? What could help?"
• The grown-up will be glad you told. When your child tells you about someone being hurt, thank them and help [1, 3]. You might say: "Thank you for telling me. That was the right thing to do."

Ask "what would you do?"

Let them answer first. There's no wrong answer, only a chance to talk it through.

1. Your friend falls off the bottom of the slide and starts crying. What do you do? What to listen for: That they'd go and tell a grown-up. If their first idea is to hug their friend, that's lovely. Remind them to ask first, then get a grown-up [4]. Gently add: "And then find a grown-up so they can help."
2. A bigger kid is about to throw sand at a little kid in the sandbox. What could you do? What to listen for: Telling a grown-up, even though nobody is hurt yet, because someone is about to be [1].
3. Your friend took the red block you wanted. Do you tell a grown-up? What to listen for: That this one they can try to work out, for example by saying "It's my turn" or trading blocks [1, 5]. Help them see the difference: nobody is hurt [1].

Try it together

Play "Tell or work it out?" Describe small situations and let your child call out "Tell a grown-up!" or "Work it out!" Mix them up: a friend took my crayon (work it out), someone pushed a tower onto a friend (tell), a friend fell off the swing (tell), my brother touched my lunchbox (work it out) [1]. Praise each "tell" answer [1, 3]. If your child gets upset playing, practice a calm-down together: stop, breathe, count to five [2]. Then practice what they'd actually say, for example: "Come quick, my friend is hurt."

If your child tells you something

How you react matters. Your calm helps your child feel safe, and children whose parents support them heal more quickly [9]. These steps come from guidance on abuse.

Children rarely tell everything at once. Very young children often let something slip by accident, because they don't have the words for it [9]. Many children share a little at a time [8, 9]. Teenagers are more likely to tell a friend first [9].

Do:

• Stay calm. A child may think your shock or anger is aimed at them, and stop talking [8, 9].
• Listen. Let them tell it in their own words, without interrupting or filling in gaps [8].
• Believe them. False reports are rare [6, 7].
• Thank them, and tell them they did the right thing by telling you [6, 7, 8].
• Tell them it is not their fault [7, 8, 9].
• Keep them away from the person. Make a plan with other adults so there is no unsupervised contact [7, 9].
• Get help. Report to child protective services, and find medical care and a counselor who works with children [8, 9]. Reporting rules vary by state [6].
• Get support for yourself from another adult [7, 9].

Don't:

• Press for details or ask leading questions. Keep any questions calm and open [7, 8].
• Promise to keep it secret. Promise to do everything you can to keep them safe instead [9].
• Threaten the person or show your anger in front of your child [7].

If your child later takes it back, it doesn't mean they made it up. This is common [7, 9].

If your child is in danger, call 911 [8, 9].

For advice:

• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: (800) 422-4453, or text GO to 800.422.4453. It's a counseling line, not a reporting line, and it can help you find your state's reporting number [10].
• Stop It Now helpline: 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368), weekdays, mostly 12–6 pm Eastern (hours vary; see their site), for anyone worried about a child [11].
• Need help now