Telling isn't tattling

Children this age often worry about being called a tattletale. This lesson gives them a simple way to tell the difference, and a few things they can do when another kid is picked on. Research on school programs finds that teaching children to step in makes them more likely to do it, though the effect is smaller for younger children than for teens [4].

Start the talk

Say it in your own words. These are the ideas to get across, not a script to read.

• Tattling is about small, safe problems. Tattling means reporting something a friend did wrong when everyone is safe and your child could sort it out themselves [1]. You might say: "If someone grabbed your crayon or cut in line, try saying 'It's my turn' first. You can handle that one."
• Telling is about safety. Telling means letting a grown-up know when a situation isn't safe or your child needs help [1]. A simple rule: if someone is hurt or about to be hurt, tell. If not, try to work it out [1]. You might say: "If somebody's getting hurt, or you feel unsafe, you always tell. That's never tattling."
• Getting help takes courage. Getting help for someone who's being picked on is brave and caring, not tattling [2]. You might say: "Telling a teacher when someone's being picked on doesn't get you in trouble. It's a kind thing to do."
• You can stand with them. Don't just watch. Your child can say "Stop!" and help the other child walk away [2]. If it doesn't feel safe to speak up, a kind word to the child afterwards can still make a big difference [3]. You might say: "You don't have to fix it alone. You can say 'Stop,' walk away together, and come get a grown-up."
• Be their friend later. Being kind to a kid who's been picked on helps them feel less alone [2]. You might say: "Tomorrow, could you ask her to play with you at recess?"

Ask "what would you do?"

Let them answer first. There's no wrong answer, only a chance to talk it through.

1. At lunch, a girl at your table takes one of your grapes without asking. What would you do? What to listen for: that this is a small, safe problem they can try to solve with words first [1]. If your child would go straight to a teacher, gently point out that no one got hurt and help them practice what to say instead [1].
2. At the playground, two bigger kids won't let a younger boy get off the slide. He's starting to cry. What would you do? What to listen for: that this is telling, because someone is getting hurt [1]. Good answers include getting a grown-up right away, or saying "Stop!" and helping the boy walk away if it feels safe [2]. When your child does tell, praise them for looking out for someone [1].
3. In an online game, a few players keep sending mean messages to one kid on your team. What would you do? What to listen for: don't join in, and don't "like" or pass along the mean messages [2]. Your child can tell a trusted adult, and that grown-up can help take screenshots, block and report [3]. If they feel safe, they can send the kid a kind message [3].

Try it together

Play "Tattle or tell?" Take turns making up situations, small and serious: a sibling hogging the remote, a kid pushed off the monkey bars, a classmate crying because others won't let her join in. For each one, decide together whether it's a "work it out" problem or a "tell a grown-up" problem, using the rule: is someone hurt or about to be hurt [1]? Remember that a secret about bodies is always a "tell". Then role-play stepping in. One person plays the kid being picked on, and your child practices a firm "Stop!", asking "Want to come with me?" and walking away together [2]. Practice what to say to leave an unkind group chat or game, too [3].

If your child tells you something

How you react matters. Your calm helps your child feel safe, and children whose parents support them heal more quickly [8]. These steps come from guidance on abuse.

Children rarely tell everything at once. Very young children often let something slip by accident, because they don't have the words for it [8]. Many children share a little at a time [7, 8]. Teenagers are more likely to tell a friend first [8].

Do:

• Stay calm. A child may think your shock or anger is aimed at them, and stop talking [7, 8].
• Listen. Let them tell it in their own words, without interrupting or filling in gaps [7].
• Believe them. False reports are rare [5, 6].
• Thank them, and tell them they did the right thing by telling you [5, 6, 7].
• Tell them it is not their fault [6, 7, 8].
• Keep them away from the person. Make a plan with other adults so there is no unsupervised contact [6, 8].
• Get help. Report to child protective services, and find medical care and a counselor who works with children [7, 8]. Reporting rules vary by state [5].
• Get support for yourself from another adult [6, 8].

Don't:

• Press for details or ask leading questions. Keep any questions calm and open [6, 7].
• Promise to keep it secret. Promise to do everything you can to keep them safe instead [8].
• Threaten the person or show your anger in front of your child [6].

If your child later takes it back, it doesn't mean they made it up. This is common [6, 8].

If your child is in danger, call 911 [7, 8].

For advice:

• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: (800) 422-4453, or text GO to 800.422.4453. It's a counseling line, not a reporting line, and it can help you find your state's reporting number [9].
• Stop It Now helpline: 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368), weekdays, mostly 12–6 pm Eastern (hours vary; see their site), for anyone worried about a child [10].
• Need help now