Leave the pile-on, check on the target

When a pile-on starts in a group chat or a game, most children aren't the one who started it. They're watching. This lesson gives your child a few small, doable moves for that moment. School programs that teach these skills do make children more likely to step in, though the effect is smaller in younger grades than in high school [4]. So it's worth talking it through more than once.

Start the talk

Say it in your own words. These are the ideas to get across, not a script to read.

• Don't feed it. Just watching gives the person doing the bullying the attention they want. Sharing hurtful posts spreads the harm [1]. You might say: "Even a laughing emoji tells them they've got an audience. Leaving it alone is already doing something."
• You can step out. Kids can steer a conversation somewhere better, or leave it calmly [2]. You might say: "You can say 'not funny, I'm out' and leave the chat. You don't owe anyone a big speech."
• Save it, block it, report it. Take screenshots of the bullying, block the person, and use the platform's reporting tools [2]. Images are different: if a sexual or nude image of someone is going around, don't share it. Report it, and come to an adult [3]. You might say: "Screenshot the mean messages so there's proof. But if it's a picture of someone's body, don't touch it. Just come get me."
• Check on the person being targeted. A private message can help someone through a hard time, and kindness to a child who's been bullied matters [1, 2]. You might say: "A quick 'that wasn't OK, are you all right?' can mean a lot, even if you didn't say anything in the chat."
• Telling is brave, not tattling. Getting help from a trusted adult for someone who is being hurt is not tattling [1]. Your child should know ahead of time who those adults are and how to reach them [2]. You might say: "Telling me or a teacher isn't snitching. It's how this stops."

Ask "what would you do?"

Let them answer first. There's no wrong answer, only a chance to talk it through.

1. A group chat you're in starts making fun of a classmate who isn't in it. People keep adding jokes. What to listen for: Not adding to it [1]. A strong answer might also include steering the conversation elsewhere or leaving, taking screenshots, and telling an adult if it keeps going [2]. If your child worries they'll be next, talk about quieter moves, such as a private message to the classmate or telling you.
2. In an online game, a group keeps targeting one player with insults, and that player is someone from school. What to listen for: Using the block and report features, and checking in on the player privately afterward [1, 2].
3. You hear that a private photo of someone in your grade is going around. What to listen for: Not opening, saving or forwarding it, and telling a trusted adult so it can be reported [3]. Help your child see that what happened is not that classmate's fault, and that being kind to them now matters [1, 3].

Try it together

Role-play it [2]. You play the group chat, typing or saying a few unkind messages about an imaginary classmate. Your child practices three moves: one short line to leave or change the subject, one private message to the person being targeted, and how they would tell you or another trusted adult. Then swap roles. Finish by writing down the names and phone numbers of two or three trusted adults your child could contact [2].

If your child tells you something

How you react matters. Your calm helps your child feel safe, and children whose parents support them heal more quickly [8]. These steps come from guidance on abuse.

Children rarely tell everything at once. Very young children often let something slip by accident, because they don't have the words for it [8]. Many children share a little at a time [7, 8]. Teenagers are more likely to tell a friend first [8].

Do:

• Stay calm. A child may think your shock or anger is aimed at them, and stop talking [7, 8].
• Listen. Let them tell it in their own words, without interrupting or filling in gaps [7].
• Believe them. False reports are rare [5, 6].
• Thank them, and tell them they did the right thing by telling you [5, 6, 7].
• Tell them it is not their fault [6, 7, 8].
• Keep them away from the person. Make a plan with other adults so there is no unsupervised contact [6, 8].
• Get help. Report to child protective services, and find medical care and a counselor who works with children [7, 8]. Reporting rules vary by state [5].
• Get support for yourself from another adult [6, 8].

Don't:

• Press for details or ask leading questions. Keep any questions calm and open [6, 7].
• Promise to keep it secret. Promise to do everything you can to keep them safe instead [8].
• Threaten the person or show your anger in front of your child [6].

If your child later takes it back, it doesn't mean they made it up. This is common [6, 8].

If your child is in danger, call 911 [7, 8].

For advice:

• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: (800) 422-4453, or text GO to 800.422.4453. It's a counseling line, not a reporting line, and it can help you find your state's reporting number [9].
• Stop It Now helpline: 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368), weekdays, mostly 12–6 pm Eastern (hours vary; see their site), for anyone worried about a child [10].
• Need help now