Make the X-plan together, and keep your side of it

If something happens to your child, it is never their fault. Teaching them to protect themselves is never a way of saying otherwise.

An X-plan is a simple deal between you and your teen. If they are somewhere that feels wrong, they send a signal and you come and get them. This conversation is about agreeing on that deal together, and about the promise you make in return. That promise is what makes it work.

Why this matters now

Teens often want to do the right thing, but peer pressure can make that hard [1]. Leaving a party where there is drinking or drugs can feel impossible when nobody wants to be the one who leaves. As one high school senior told CBS New York, "You never want to look like the dud" [2]. SAMHSA notes that peer pressure is powerful even for kids you don't expect to drink. It also says that having a plan, like texting a code word to a family member, helps them make better choices [3]. A code word lets you be the scapegoat, so your teen isn't embarrassed in front of friends [1].

The plan only works if your teen trusts it. Child psychologist Dr. Susan Bartell told CBS New York that kids who expect punishment will find another way out, and it could be a much scarier one [2]. Teen Driver Source warns that if parents overreact, teens may not reach out for a ride again [1].

How to set up the plan together

Keep it low-key. You don't have to cover everything in one talk, and several short conversations can work better than one big one [3].

Choose the signal together. The X-plan, created by blogger and father Bert Fulks, uses a text of just the letter "x" to a parent or guardian [2]. Teen Driver Source suggests a code word or an everyday-sounding phrase, such as asking how a relative is feeling [1].
Agree on your reply. In the X-plan, you text or call back to say there is a family emergency and they need to be picked up [2]. With a code phrase, you answer with a reason they need to come home and offer to pick them up now [1]. Either way, your teen gets to blame you.
Promise to come right away. Teen Driver Source says to pick them up immediately when the code comes in, no matter what [1].
Write it down and share it. Give the code to other trusted adults who could also give your teen a safe ride home [1].
Talk through when to use it. Examples include situations with alcohol or drugs, riding with a newly licensed driver [1], or simply feeling uncomfortable [2]. Remind your teen never to ride with a driver who has been drinking or using drugs, and that they can call you at any time for a ride home [4].

Agree now on what happens afterward

The two main sources differ on what happens after you pick your teen up. With the X-plan, the rule is no questions and no judgment. Your teen doesn't have to talk about what happened, and there's no punishment [2]. Teen Driver Source suggests that once your teen is safely home, you talk about ways to avoid a similar situation next time and pick a new code word if needed. It stresses that the code word is there for safety, not for criticizing your teen's judgment [1].

Both approaches can work. Choose one together before it's ever needed, so your teen knows exactly what to expect. Then keep to it.

You might say: "If you text me an x, I'll call and say something's come up at home, and I'll come straight away. You won't be in trouble for using it. I won't ask what happened unless you want to tell me." If you've chosen to talk afterward, you might add: "Later, we can figure out together how to handle it next time. It won't be about blame."

Questions to talk through together

"If a party started to feel off, would you actually text me? What might stop you?" Listen to the answer. If they're worried about getting in trouble, restate your promise. Overreacting is what stops teens from calling [1, 2].
"What would you tell your friends when I call?" A good answer puts the blame on you, such as a family emergency or a reason they're needed at home [1, 2].
"Who could you contact if you can't reach me?" This is a chance to name the other trusted adults who know the code [1].
"What if the person driving you home has been drinking, or just got their license?" A good answer is to send the code or call for a ride instead [1, 4].
"How could you say no thanks if someone offers you a drink?" Practicing the words helps. SAMHSA suggests it alongside having a code word [3].

If your teen uses the plan or tells you something

Go right away [1].
Keep your side of the deal. Stay calm and don't criticize. Teens who fear an overreaction or punishment may not reach out next time [1, 2].
Stick to what you agreed. If you chose no questions, don't ask any. If you chose to talk later, focus on strategies for next time, not on blame [1, 2].
Treat using the plan as a success. Your teen did exactly what you hoped they would.
If your teen tells you someone hurt them, believe them and make clear it isn't their fault. You can get support from the lines below.

Where to get help

In an emergency, call 911.
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673), or text HOPE to 64673, 24/7.
loveisrespect (dating abuse; also helps parents): 866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, 24/7.
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