Your exit, your rules: X-plans and code words

Sometimes you're somewhere and you want to leave, but saying so out loud feels impossible. A little planning fixes that. This guide helps you set up a way out before you need one, so you can leave without explaining yourself to anyone.

What to know about exit plans

Pressure from people your age can be strong and hard to resist. It doesn't have to be someone telling you to do something. It can just be the feeling of what the group expects [3]. That's why having a plan you made earlier helps so much.

The X-plan was created by Bert Fulks, a dad who wanted his kids to have an easy way out of uncomfortable situations [2]. It works like this [2]:

• You text the letter "x" to a parent or guardian.
• They call or text back and say there's a family emergency and they need to come get you.
• They pick you up. Your friends don't learn the real reason.

The deal is no questions and no judgment afterward [2]. That matters because, as one high school senior told CBS New York, "You never want to look like the dud." A psychologist interviewed for the same story said that kids who expect to get in trouble may find a riskier way out instead [2].

A code word does the same job in a phone call. You pick a phrase that sounds normal, like asking how a relative is feeling. The adult answers with a reason you need to come home and offers to pick you up right away [1]. KidsHealth suggests a similar move: call and ask for a ride home because of something like a bad earache [3].

The point of a code word is safety, not judging your choices. Teen Driver Source tells parents to come right away and not overreact, because a harsh response makes teens less likely to use it next time [1].

How to set up your own exit plan

1. Pick your person. Choose a parent, guardian or another trusted adult [1, 2].
2. Pick your signal. Use a text with "x" or a code phrase that sounds natural for your family [1, 2].
3. Agree on the script. They reach out, say something has come up, and tell you they're on the way [2].
4. Agree on the rules out loud. They pick you up right away and don't lecture you on the ride [1, 2]. Some families agree to talk later about next time, without blame [1]. Others agree to skip the conversation completely [2]. Decide which deal you're making before you need it.
5. Write it down and share it. Give the code word to other trusted adults who could drive you if your first person can't [1].
6. Practice. Think ahead about situations that could get tricky, and plan what you'll say [3]. Keep a few casual reasons ready for turning things down [3].
7. Use it for anything. It works if there's drinking or drugs, if you don't feel safe with the driver, or any time pressure makes it hard to say no [1, 2, 3].
8. Trust your gut. If you feel uncomfortable, something is wrong for you, even if your friends seem fine [3].
9. Stick together. Spend time with friends who share your values and will back you up [3]. You can be that friend for them too.

If something already happened

If something happened that you didn't want, it is not your fault. The person who caused harm is responsible for it, not you. You did nothing that made it OK.

• If you're still there and it feels dangerous, get a trusted adult involved [3]. Your code word still works. It's meant to get you picked up no matter what [1].
• If you're hurt or in danger right now, call 911.
• You don't have to explain everything at once. Telling someone you trust is a good first step.

Where to get help

• In an emergency: call 911.
• RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673), or text HOPE to 64673, 24/7.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, 24/7.
• Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741, 24/7.
• For more options, see Need help now.