Raising someone who asks first

Most talks about dating safety are about protecting your teen. This one is about the other side: helping your teen become someone who checks for a clear yes and never pushes past a no. Every teen needs this conversation, whatever their gender.

Why this conversation matters now

Consent means someone actively says yes. That is different from not saying no [4]. Child Mind Institute puts it simply: "only a resounding 'yes' equals consent," so anything less clear is a signal to stop and check in [3]. Teens also need to hear that some things are never consent: flirting, what someone is wearing, seeming "into it," or not saying stop [3].

Consent has limits too. It has to be given freely, without pressure. Pressuring someone into a yes is called coercion [4]. A person who is drunk, high, asleep or otherwise impaired can't consent [3, 4]. A yes once doesn't mean yes every time, and a yes to one thing isn't a yes to everything [4]. Everyone keeps the right to say no, even to something they've done before [2].

Then there's the idea that a date or a gift earns something. It doesn't. loveisrespect is clear that a dinner, a present or an "I love you" doesn't mean your teen owes a partner anything [1]. It's also not fair for a partner to say "you don't care about me" because your teen won't do something sexual [1]. Your teen should never use that line on anyone else, either.

How to start the conversation

• Have lots of small talks, not one big one. Keep things positive and supportive, focus on health and safety, and break the topic into smaller pieces [4].
• Talk before it comes up. Talking ahead of time helps teens make thoughtful choices instead of impulsive ones [4].
• Expect eye-rolling, and keep going. An "Ew!" is a normal reaction, and it isn't a reason to drop the subject [3].
• Be frank. Talk plainly about how pushing someone affects that person, and about the personal, social and legal fallout [3].
• Use what you see. When a show, a song or something at school treats pressure as normal, say so [3].
• Show it yourself. Set your own boundaries and state them clearly [1].
• Get backup if you're stuck. A friend, a relative or a school counselor can help you figure out where to begin [3].

You might open with: "I'm not worried about anything in particular. I just want to talk about how you can tell someone really wants to do something with you."

Questions to talk through together

1. "How would you know someone is really okay with what's happening?" A good answer covers asking and watching. Child Mind suggests check-in questions like "Are we moving too fast?" or "Are you still okay with this?" It also says to watch body language: is the other person leaning in or pulling away, and are you both starting things, or just one of you [3]?
2. "What if they don't say no, but they don't really say yes either?" Help your teen see that silence or hesitation means stop and check. It never means go ahead [3, 4].
3. "Someone you're seeing has been drinking and seems into it. What do you do?" The answer is to stop. A person who is intoxicated can't consent, whatever they seem to want [3]. If someone looks unsafe, your teen can help them get out of the situation [3].
4. "You paid for dinner and bought them something nice. Do they owe you anything?" No. A gift or a date never creates a debt [1]. If your teen hesitates, that's your opening to talk about it.
5. "What do you do when someone says no or stop?" Stop right away, without sulking or guilt-tripping. Child Mind says it bluntly: pushing after someone says stop isn't cool or powerful. It's creepy and dangerous [3].

Turn it around too. Ask what your teen would do if someone pressured them. No one should give in to pressure from a partner or from friends [3]. Any change in their own limits should happen because they want it, not because they're being pushed [1].

If your teen tells you something

Stay calm and listen first. Abuse can be hard and shameful to admit, which is one reason teens often wait before telling anyone [1]. Being a trusted adult who cares about them is exactly what AAP advises teens to look for [2]. Some things are serious warning signs that need action: name-calling, control over who your teen talks to or what they wear, threats, or physical violence, even if it happened only once [2].

If your teen tells you they may have pushed someone, hold them accountable for what happened. Help them understand how it affected the other person [3]. Don't excuse it, and don't stop talking with them.

Where to get help

• loveisrespect (for young people, and it helps parents too): 866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522
• RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673), or text HOPE to 64673, 24/7
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, 24/7
• In an emergency, call 911
• Need help now
• For your teen to read: Consent, in plain words