Teasing or hurting?

At six to nine, teasing, nicknames and rough games are a big part of play. Children this age are still learning to notice when a joke has stopped being funny for the other person. This lesson helps your child spot the line, hear "stop," and make things right.

Start the talk

Say it in your own words. These are the ideas to get across, not a script to read.

• A joke works when everyone's laughing. Teasing is usually fine when it's playful and friendly, goes both ways, and both kids think it's funny [1]. You might say: "Joking around with friends is fun. The test is: is everyone laughing, or just us?"
• It stops being a joke when it hurts or keeps going. When teasing turns hurtful, unkind or constant, it has become bullying and needs to stop [1]. Bullying is often about power, such as a group against one kid, or picking on someone who seems different [1, 2]. You might say: "If we keep doing it after they're upset, or it's lots of us against one person, it isn't teasing anymore. It's hurting."
• "Stop" means stop. Everyone is in charge of their own body, and it's not OK to touch someone who doesn't want it [3]. Teach the words your child can use too, like "Please stop" or "I don't like that" [3]. You might say: "When a friend says stop, the game stops, even if you were having fun. That's what you'd want them to do for you."
• Think about how they feel. Asking children to imagine the other person's side, especially in a conflict, builds empathy over time [3, 4]. You might say: "How do you think Sam felt when everyone laughed at his drawing? How would you have felt?"
• Make it right. A good apology says sorry for what you did, owns it without excuses, and shows you know it affected the other person and you'll try to do better [5]. Sometimes the other person needs time before things feel OK again [5]. You might say: "Saying sorry shows them you understand you hurt them."

Ask "what would you do?"

Let them answer first. There's no wrong answer, only a chance to talk it through.

1. At recess your friends start calling a boy in your class a funny nickname. Everyone laughs except him. What would you do? What to listen for: that one person not laughing is the sign it has crossed the line [1]. If your child says "it's just a joke," ask how the boy might feel and how they'd feel in his place [3, 4]. A good next step is to stop using the nickname and be kind to him [4].
2. You're tickling your little cousin. She's giggling, but she says "stop!" What would you do? What to listen for: "I'd stop." When someone says they don't want to be touched, that matters more than the game [3]. If your child says "but she was laughing," explain that "stop" counts even when someone's laughing, and the safe thing is to stop and check.
3. In an online game, your team keeps typing jokes about a new player who isn't very good. You added one too. What would you do now? What to listen for: stop joining in, and think about how to make it right [2, 5]. A short, real apology works best: "Sorry I made fun of you. That wasn't fair." Apologizing shows respect and can help rebuild trust [5].

Try it together

Play "Is everyone laughing?" Next time you're watching a show or reading a book together and a character gets teased, pause and ask: Is everyone laughing? What should that person have done [1, 4]? Then practice a real apology for a made-up mistake: say what you did, say sorry without a "but," and say what you'll do next time [5]. Take a turn yourself. Children learn empathy from watching how you treat people [4].

If your child tells you something

How you react matters. Your calm helps your child feel safe, and children whose parents support them heal more quickly [9]. These steps come from guidance on abuse.

Children rarely tell everything at once. Very young children often let something slip by accident, because they don't have the words for it [9]. Many children share a little at a time [8, 9]. Teenagers are more likely to tell a friend first [9].

Do:

• Stay calm. A child may think your shock or anger is aimed at them, and stop talking [8, 9].
• Listen. Let them tell it in their own words, without interrupting or filling in gaps [8].
• Believe them. False reports are rare [6, 7].
• Thank them, and tell them they did the right thing by telling you [6, 7, 8].
• Tell them it is not their fault [7, 8, 9].
• Keep them away from the person. Make a plan with other adults so there is no unsupervised contact [7, 9].
• Get help. Report to child protective services, and find medical care and a counselor who works with children [8, 9]. Reporting rules vary by state [6].
• Get support for yourself from another adult [7, 9].

Don't:

• Press for details or ask leading questions. Keep any questions calm and open [7, 8].
• Promise to keep it secret. Promise to do everything you can to keep them safe instead [9].
• Threaten the person or show your anger in front of your child [7].

If your child later takes it back, it doesn't mean they made it up. This is common [7, 9].

If your child is in danger, call 911 [8, 9].

For advice:

• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: (800) 422-4453, or text GO to 800.422.4453. It's a counseling line, not a reporting line, and it can help you find your state's reporting number [10].
• Stop It Now helpline: 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368), weekdays, mostly 12–6 pm Eastern (hours vary; see their site), for anyone worried about a child [11].
• Need help now