Consent, in plain words

This guide is about making sure the person you're with really wants what's happening. If you're the one starting things, like kissing, touching or anything sexual, it's your job to check. It isn't awkward or hard. It's part of treating someone with respect.

What consent means

• Consent is a voluntary agreement to sexual activity. Voluntary means it's given freely. Pressure, force or threats cancel it out [1].
• The person starting things is responsible for getting consent, through words or actions [5]. That means you ask, and you make sure you actually got a yes [1].
• Silence is not a yes. Not pushing you away is not a yes either [1]. As loveisrespect puts it, "Just because someone 'didn't say no' doesn't mean that they consent" [4].
• A yes counts for that time only. Saying yes before doesn't mean yes now [1]. Everyone always has the right to say no to affection, even if they've done it before and even if they change their mind partway through [2].
• They can take it back at any time [1]. Everyone has the right to decide what they do and don't want to do sexually [4].
• Someone who is asleep, passed out or too drunk or high can't consent [1, 4]. Our guide on drinking and consent covers this in more detail.
• The law also sets an age of consent, and it varies by state. Even a clear yes may not count legally, depending on your ages [6]. A trusted adult or school counselor can help you understand the rules where you live.

What pressure looks like

Pressure doesn't have to be loud. loveisrespect counts any behavior that pushes or coerces someone into something sexual they don't want as sexual abuse, including threats and pressuring them into sex acts [4]. Pressuring or forcing a partner to have sex is also on its list of warning signs of abuse [3]. So are other controlling moves, like extreme jealousy or checking someone's phone without permission [3].

In a healthy relationship, neither person has more power, and you both accept each other's boundaries [2]. A no isn't something to work around. It's information you respect.

How to check for consent

1. Ask. Simple questions work. Ask if they want to do something, whether it feels good, whether they're OK, and whether they want to stop or go further [1].
2. Keep checking as things change. Asking before you go further is part of getting consent, not a one-time thing at the start [1].
3. Look for an enthusiastic yes [1].
4. Watch for signs to stop. These include [1]:
   • saying no, slow down, "I'm not comfortable," "that's enough" or "can we just talk?"
   • not responding
   • pushing you away, turning away or hiding their face
   • wrapping their arms around their body or tensing up
   • crying
   • falling asleep or passing out
5. Stop at anything less than an enthusiastic yes, including any of the signs above [1]. Don't try to talk them into it. That's pressure [4].

Where to get help

If you're worried about how you've been treating someone, or how someone is treating you, it helps to talk it through. You can talk to a trusted adult who cares about you [2], or contact one of these:

• loveisrespect (dating abuse, for young people): call 866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522
• RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673), or text HOPE to 64673, 24/7
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, 24/7
• Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741, 24/7
• In an emergency, call 911
• See our Need help now page for more options