Ask first, stop means stop

In "My body belongs to me" your child learned that they're in charge of their own body. This lesson is the other half: so is everyone else. Preschoolers learn this best by practicing it in play and by seeing you do it every day [1, 2].

Start the talk

Say it in your own words. These are the ideas to get across, not a script to read.

• Everybody is the boss of their own body. It's not OK to touch someone who doesn't want to be touched, and that works both ways [2, 3]. You might say: "You're the boss of your body. Your friend is the boss of her body too."
• Ask first. Before a hug, a tickle or jumping on someone, ask and wait for the answer [1, 2]. You might say: "Ask first: 'Can I hug you?' If they say no, you can wave instead."
• Stop means stop, even in a game. When someone says stop or no, the game stops right away, even if it was fun a second ago [1, 2]. You might say: "When your friend says stop, you stop. Then you can ask, 'Are you OK?'"
• Look at their face. Help your child notice how other people feel and when someone doesn't want to be touched [1, 2]. Use their own feelings as a mirror. Ask how they felt when someone wouldn't stop, then how their friend might feel [2]. You might say: "Look at Sam's face. Does he look happy or upset?"
• You can say it too. Give your child short phrases like "Please stop" and "I don't like that" [2]. You might say: "If you don't like it, say 'Please stop.' A grown-up will help if they don't."

Ask "what would you do?"

Let them answer first. There's no wrong answer, only a chance to talk it through.

1. You and your cousin are having a tickle fight. Your cousin is laughing, but then she says, "Stop!" What do you do? What to listen for: That they'd stop right away, even if she's still laughing. If they say "But she was laughing," explain that stop means stop every time. They can check with "Are you OK?" and ask before starting again [1, 2].
2. Your friend fell over at the playground and is crying. You want to give her a big hug. What could you do first? What to listen for: Asking "Can I give you a hug?" first. If she says no, they could sit with her or get a grown-up. Wanting to comfort her is kind. Asking first is kind too [1, 2].
3. You want to jump on your brother's back to play horsey. What should you do? What to listen for: Asking first and making sure he's ready [2]. If he says no, praise them for listening. If it already happened and he got upset, ask, "How do you think he felt?" [2].

Try it together

Play "freeze tickle," then switch. Start a gentle tickle or chasing game. When your child says "stop," freeze straight away, put your hands up and say something like, "I heard you. I stopped." Then swap roles so your child gets to be the one who stops [1, 2]. Every day, show the same habits yourself. Ask before a hug, tell them what you're about to do ("I'm going to pick you up now"), and when they say stop, stop [1, 2]. When your child greets relatives, give them a choice of hug, high five or wave, and back up their choice [1, 3]. When your child stops on time, say so: "You stopped as soon as she asked. That was kind." [4].

If your child tells you something

How you react matters. Your calm helps your child feel safe, and children whose parents support them heal more quickly [8]. These steps come from guidance on abuse.

Children rarely tell everything at once. Very young children often let something slip by accident, because they don't have the words for it [8]. Many children share a little at a time [7, 8]. Teenagers are more likely to tell a friend first [8].

Do:

• Stay calm. A child may think your shock or anger is aimed at them, and stop talking [7, 8].
• Listen. Let them tell it in their own words, without interrupting or filling in gaps [7].
• Believe them. False reports are rare [5, 6].
• Thank them, and tell them they did the right thing by telling you [5, 6, 7].
• Tell them it is not their fault [6, 7, 8].
• Keep them away from the person. Make a plan with other adults so there is no unsupervised contact [6, 8].
• Get help. Report to child protective services, and find medical care and a counselor who works with children [7, 8]. Reporting rules vary by state [5].
• Get support for yourself from another adult [6, 8].

Don't:

• Press for details or ask leading questions. Keep any questions calm and open [6, 7].
• Promise to keep it secret. Promise to do everything you can to keep them safe instead [8].
• Threaten the person or show your anger in front of your child [6].

If your child later takes it back, it doesn't mean they made it up. This is common [6, 8].

If your child is in danger, call 911 [7, 8].

For advice:

• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: (800) 422-4453, or text GO to 800.422.4453. It's a counseling line, not a reporting line, and it can help you find your state's reporting number [9].
• Stop It Now helpline: 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368), weekdays, mostly 12–6 pm Eastern (hours vary; see their site), for anyone worried about a child [10].
• Need help now