Stacy's near miss: the job interview

This is the first time I've ever told this story. I don't think I've ever once even mentioned to another human being that this happened to me. I think it was because I was embarrassed that my own naiveté led me into it.

I was smarter than this. I knew better than this. How on earth could I have let this happen.

I didn't want to admit to myself that I had allowed it, so I pretended like it never happened. It made me feel better about myself to ignore it rather than to admit to any mistakes I had made.

What Happened

I was in my early 20s and was interviewing for a job. I, through my own naiveté, allowed myself to end up in a situation where I was alone with the interviewer with no other people around (I didn't realize this would be the case when I agreed to the meeting) and no easy reliable transportation out of the situation (I had been given a ride).

I never in a million years even considered the fact that someone might have ulterior motives I should have been on the defensive for in a legitimate job interview situation.

At first I didn't think anything of it, and the interview began as expected. As the interview progressed, more and more red flags began to emerge.

The closing of physical proximity.

The slightly off-color joke.

The "innocent" touching of a hand or shoulder.

At this point, the hairs on the back of my neck began to stand up. I was beginning to realize something wasn't right.

But I still didn't trust my own read on the situation. I kept telling myself I was "reading too much into it." I kept arguing with my intuition. I kept right on behaving the way you usually do in an interview: trying to make the person on the other side like you enough to offer you a job.

Then came the quid-pro-quo language. Subtle at first. Then more clear and obvious.

I finally stopped arguing with myself.

And then the panic set in. Right along with the self-blame.

I'm alone with this person. How did I let myself get into this situation?

I don't have a plan for how to get away. How could I be this stupid?

I have no idea how aggressive will this person get. How do I keep him happy to stay safe?

In real-time, I was wrestling with thousands of different thoughts and trying to make sense of them all. I was in fight or flight mode. I was suddenly concerned only with how to get myself out of the situation. I was suddenly completely unconcerned with how my behavior might look later, but fully consumed with doing whatever I needed to in order to get out of the situation.

I tried small things at first. Making excuses about how I probably should get going, trying to keep things from escalating.

Then came the arm-around-the-shoulder, "let me take you into the other room" moment.

Every people-pleasing, self-questioning thought ceased. I pulled together my mental strength, pushed the now-obvious predator away physically and said "NO, I'm leaving now. We are done."

I am beyond fortunate that this person wasn't willing to get aggressive, that my firm and direct stand was enough to diffuse the situation.

I was able to remove myself from the building, start walking away, and focus on figuring out how to get home. I left more shaky, embarrassed with myself for getting into the situation, and angry.

I was fortunate. Many are not so lucky.

My Shame

I look back on this now and I'm angry for an entirely different reason. Why the hell was I the one ashamed? I was so angry with myself, and frankly so embarrassed, I resolved never to tell anyone about the situation again.

I figured, I got out of it, so what's the harm.

But how many young women ended up in the same situation with this man and weren't so lucky? How many young women did he do this to after me? How many young women could I have saved by saying something?

What I Want People to Know Now

Part of why I'm building this site is that the current landscape around sexual violence has made me think about how commonplace it really is.

I consider myself well educated, I've always been taught to stand up for myself. I've had every possible support system I could have asked for. And I STILL have had 2 near misses, brushes with sexual assault that thankfully never amounted to actual damage.

Then I look at sexual violence statistics and think about how many more stories there must be out there like mine. People who have had near misses. People who have stories we can learn from.

I want to turn real sexual violence statistics into near misses, train people with the information they need to protect themselves and help make it easier to help others. I want to turn near misses into "never happened" by helping to raise humans who never consider this behavior acceptable in the first place.

Everything starts with awareness and education. That's why we are here.