Ask your school

You don't need to be an expert to start this conversation. You don't need a plan or a policy background either. You only need to care, and to ask. Darkness to Light says prevention starts with "one informed adult willing to take the next step" [3].

This page walks through three steps. First find out what the school teaches now. Then share what you'd like to see. Then offer to help.

Step 1: Find out what's taught now

Don't assume a policy on paper is what happens in class. The best way to know is to ask your child and their teacher or principal what is actually taught, and who teaches it [4]. Your child can also tell you which topics they wish they learned about [4].

Go in as a partner, not an inspector. A school that takes child safety seriously should welcome these questions [3]. Pick the ones that matter most to you. You don't need to ask them all at once.

What's taught, and when

• What do students learn about body safety, and at which grades? Do they learn to recognize abuse and to tell a trusted adult? [5]
• Are there lessons on healthy relationships, boundaries and consent? Can I see the materials so I can back them up at home? [1]
• What do students learn about bullying, including online bullying? What are they taught to do if they see it happen to someone else? [6]
• What are the school's rules on bullying and cyberbullying, and how are they enforced? [6]

How adults keep children safe

• What policies does the school have to prevent child sexual abuse? [2]
• Are adults ever alone with a child? What does the school do to limit one-on-one time out of sight and hearing of others? [1, 2, 3]
• Is there a written policy on what kinds of touch between staff and students are appropriate? Is there one for touch between students? [1, 2]
• Are all adults in the building background-checked, including volunteers? [2]
• How is student transportation handled? [3]
• How does the school check that its policies are followed day to day? [1, 2]

Training and communication

• Do staff get regular training on recognizing warning signs, professional boundaries and school policies? How often? [1, 2]
• How does the school share safety information with parents? [3]
• If my child has a disability, how do your policies address their particular needs? [1]

It also helps to tell your child's teacher the body-safety rules you use at home [2].

Step 2: Share it

After you know where things stand, a short, friendly note can open the door. You can copy and adapt the letter below. Send it to a teacher, counselor or principal, whoever you know best.

Dear [Name],

My child, [child's name], is in [grade] at [school]. Thank you for all you do for our kids.

I'd like to learn more about what students are taught about body safety, healthy relationships and boundaries, and what to do when they see someone being hurt or bullied. Could you tell me what's covered at [grade] and in the grades ahead, and whether parents can see the materials?

I'd also like to understand the school's policies on adults being alone with students and on staff training in this area.

I'm asking because I want to support these lessons at home, and I'd be glad to help if there's a way I can. Some background on why I care about this is here: nearmissproject.com/schools/why-teach-this

Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you.

[Your name]

[Phone or email]

For the reasons behind these lessons and what the research does and doesn't show, see Why teach this.

Step 3: Offer to help

If you'd like to do more, here are some practical places to start.

• Join your PTA or PTO. Parent groups, schools and school boards usually take up questions like this at their regular meetings [4]. Ask whether child safety or a parent information session could be on a future agenda.
• Suggest a parent evening. Schools in Erin's Law states are expected to give parents information about the warning signs of abuse and where to get help [5]. A parent evening is one way to do that. Offer to help organize it.
• Speak at a school board meeting. Find out the rules first: how to sign up, who can speak, how long you get, and when public comment happens [4]. The district or town website usually lists a contact you can ask [4]. Many meetings limit each speaker to two or three minutes, so plan what you'll say [4]. Start by saying who you are, such as a parent of a student in the district [4]. Stay calm and respectful [4].
• Bring others with you. You'll have more impact when several parents speak up together [4]. Getting to know other families also means you can look out for each other's children [1].
• Volunteer. Volunteering lets you meet staff and see how they interact with students [1]. Expect a background check. That's a sign the school is doing its job [2].

Laws differ from state to state

What schools teach is mostly decided by states and local school districts. You can look up your state's laws and check your district's website for its policies [4]. One example is Erin's Law, which requires public schools to run a child sexual abuse prevention program. That program teaches students age-appropriate ways to recognize abuse and tell a trusted adult. It also trains staff and gives parents information [5]. The official Erin's Law site says it has passed in 38 states. Check your own state, as the count may have changed [5]. Even in those states, programs vary.

While you wait

Schools can take time to respond, and that's normal. In the meantime, you can start at home with our life lessons by age.